Monday, July 30, 2012

Wallowing in Freakish Misery...

For the last few weeks I've felt pretty miserable. Nothing has been particularly wrong, and in fact, I can say I'm one of the most blessed people I know. My malaise is biologically based, I realize this, but sometimes it's hard to see the foam at the end of the roller coaster when the cotton candy has been smeared all over your glasses. And how do you fight your own body?

So when I got up today, I grudgingly went to go workout, then with much internal whining went to work, fully expecting to need a nap after 30 minutes. Only planned on staying a few hours. Didn't want to go hungry for my little time there, so packed a post-workout drink and a snack.

Ended up staying all day, only briefly stopping to eat, and came home feeling GOOD. Really good. As in I wanted to clean and make supper good. Sigh.

Structure and work. Solves the biological spiral. I think I'm going to puke. Could I be turning into an adult?

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Wasting Time

Have you ever had a project you looked forward to completing, got everything together to work on it, rubbed your hands in in anticipation, then spent the next two hours in frustration because it JUST WILL NOT WORK?

I hate wasting time. The older I get the more I realize I probably have less time left than I've spent on this planet. Scary thought! And to spend time and get nothing out of it irks me more than many things. Including burnt toast, which only wastes a few minutes of time and a cheap piece of bread.

Then I get all philosophical about what wasting time teaches me. All the positives. Yeah, right. Wasting time is pointless, fruitless, and boring. All it teaches me is that I should have planned my project better. Done more research. Left open other possibilities instead of burning bridges so at the end I'm not left with nothing.


Monday, July 2, 2012

Driven: Why DON'T I get out of the car?

A friend of mine was listening to my schedule (workouts, workshops, committee meetings, family obligations, church obligations, writing projects, etc.) and asked me why. Why did I keep pushing myself? Why did I continue to say "yes" when I could very easily coast through the next few 5k runs, let administration do their evil work without me, and forget publishing the novel that haunts my dreams?

He has a point. I could have a generally stress-free life if I chose to. But I don't. In fact, I often make trouble for myself to the point I'm toeing deadlines to the second and having panic attacks. Why don't I just get out of the driven car and relax?

I guess because I was brought up with the attitude that if I have a talent, I need to use it to its fullest, not sit around and waste it. There's a balance I've yet to achieve between pushing the limits of my capabilities and taking on just enough to be efficient. There's a goal in there somewhere!

But I think more to the point, I like the challenge. In a weird, self-depreciating way I enjoy criticism and stress and struggle because when I DO achieve my goals, it makes them that much more enjoyable. It proves to the nay-sayers that I am more than they think. I'm worth more than what they think. And even better, proves to MYSELF I'm worth more than I think.

That last one, folks, is an achievement.